Where My Mind Wanders

Still the same haunting feelings following me around. I'm kind of out of ideas. For this specific moment and overall... I don't know anymore >.<

Qwa... cannot make it all right I aspose, not asking for perfection... I don't know what I'm asking for...

A less spazzy brain?

>.

Qwa, happiness in abox tonight in a mucho mucho way. I wish more nights could be like this one... but, alas, they seem to be few and far between... No matter. The future holds much although I know so little of it.

i hope this is all just stress and not anything to permanent. Because If I end up feeling mostly like this for the semester it will not be good... not at all. Somewhere along the lines things changed and I don't know what is going on now >.<. Over the summer at home I was in a pretty much half awake state that kept me from caring too much... Now here I knew I did not have to do that anymore. Cause my home really is here... it is supposed to be here.


I'm sitting here waiting for the courage to just do something but I think I screwed up way before I got here... I don't even want to sleep because I know I will just have to wake up. I don't want a repeat of last year in a lot of ways... but I want somethings to be the same. Just enough so that I have something to stand on. But I guess in the end I am only standing on myself and I am no stable ground to be supporting myself... much less anything else I might want to support in my life.


Don't take my smiles as fake or anything... they aren't. They are no front, but they are merely some sort of surface to so much more. They hide a happiness and love I cannot even express... and they hide despair I dare not try to... I already know how things end when you do that. I try to keep things together but alone the knots all come undone faster than I can retie them. Besides... with little cooperation from others I cannot really hope to accomplish anything because there is so much that relies on them... even if they are ignorant of that fact.


This is frustrating me. I am trying to not be this way. but I don't know what else to do...


EDIT: qwa... I don't want people to think this is just something that happens once I get to school... it isn't... home is pretty blah too but at least I am familiar with it there... I know where it comes from and more how to deal with it. I just cant pin stuff down here...

Qwa, okay... Uber excitement when I frist returned... and I am happy to be back. But I am rather sad too... doesn't feel like it should... this should be home... and it's not feeling like that at the moment. I dread the thought that i will feel like I have in the past about things... it will be no good.


Other dissapointingness but I shall not discuss it... I half apologize for being closed about certain things but I feel I must.

I have lost my place again... I am concluding, again, that I really don't have one... not having one is my place and I don't know if that is really all that good for me.



Isn't it funny how you can miss someone when they're standing right next to you... how a moment can change your life even if nothing significant has happened. That moment where thought becomes action when no such change should have ever occured. When, actually, the thought itself should not have been born but for whatever unfortunate reason it occured and could not be destroyed. Such thoughts are the dangerous kind. Things that never should have been are and are not likely to not be in the future. I am doomed.




I don't want to sleep... I want to stay awake all night so I can dream.


Qwa... in less than three months it will have been a year...

Haha, in a rather good mood. Surprising considering that I'm now in philli doing cosmetics resets/revisions and it is absolutely horrendous. Whoever did the resets before were completel fucktards and they had no idea what they were doing and so everything is a mess and taking much longer than it should... >.<.


w00t for tomorrow. Going to go listen to some live reggae music a bar not to far from the hotel I am staying at. Hummm.... it should be fun in a box. Teehee, Ilana and I will both be 21 this semester... that means alchoholness in the room. Hummm, it may be a bad thing... we will see... I am counting on everyone to keep me in check!!!! >:O


qwa, well, off to go do whatever. I will see everyone soon!!!!!!!!!! I cannot wait. Sunday afternoon unfortunately... lots of things to do till then. Love to everyone!

grrrrrr..... >.<

No tie to explain...just. argh! Blah! Mersh!


Things shouldn't be this difficult!

haha, yeah, so, down here in tennessee/virginia. lots of fun. We were canoeing yesterday over at Boone Dam and my sister tipped the canoe over and we had to drag it all the way back to shore to flip it back over, get back out and then have here decide she really didn't want to canoe anymore >.< It was all good though ^^.

also, have no idea why I was doing this on VACATION, but I biked 21 miles on the Virginia creeper Trail. However, it wasd gorgeous!! I want to go hike some of it, I'd so rather be on foot...

Sooooo.... Good and bad things about this trip so far, as I expected. Can't wait to go back to school!! Just popped down to the library to get on for a few, want to see you all soooo bad. Mucho huggles and glomps and less than threes for all of you ^^.

Ok, mer, off to Tennessee tomorrow. Hopefully all will go well. Sadness, I will have to leave my guitar here. mer. Tis the first time I will be parted from it for more than a couple days since I boughted it. More so, though, I wil lmiss talking to everyone!!!! Not till school will I be able to chat and then I will have glomped all my frinedses to death and I won't have anyone to talk to anyways... XP


Qwa... tiredness in a box... blah. Heh, searched through randomness today and found this.

Give me the chance and I will best the most positive optimist. Give me time and I will show you a world devoid of hope. Can I go by what the past has taught me and still keep hope for the future? Allow me a moment to think you into a box and wait a minute more so I can convince you the box does not exist. But you can follow me no more than you can move in two directions at once for only a mind at war can do such a thing… They tell me I'm crazy but I wouldn't care to know, if this is hell its some kind of heaven and if heavens within my reach it's only hells ceiling. The demons and angels alike will scorn me and love me and I will take it all in stride, except this insufferable indifference you've given me…

haha, wow, I am rather fond of it for whatever reason o.O I know exactly who it was in reference to... bastard... grar, ok, so it's hard to be mad at him for very long even if I haven't spoken to him in forever which is actually a good thing so I will just shut up not cause no one is going to know who I am talking about anyways... *sigh*


My lack of sleep and level of stress is causing my mind to asplode and write weird ramblings about potatoes and poetry because alliteration is fun and I am amused by the most random things tonight and despairing about other random things and I don't know what to think anymore.


So... of to listen to Imogen Heap... again... I <3 Hide and Seek


Sending love to all those that I love ^^

Squee, not so very long until potsdorapluffercandymoobradam!!!

Qwa. seemse like a bunch of people I'm close to are going through some rough times. Makes me sad cause I just want to make it all better you know... *sigh* I'd walk through helel for any of em but it isn't going to do them any good really at the moment. The upcoming seester, however, hopefully, will hold promise for them. Bad time to be like this... I would know from last semester >.<

Good lyrics for all my friends, it's how I feel about you all

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Not that I don't have some troubles of my own but I am always here for everyone. I make it a point to be ^^.

Missing my usual nightly conversation with a friend who I will not get to talk to for a while. Sadness. There is other sadness too, but we shall not discuss that at the moment. Ask me personally if you are truely curious.

Noticed an odd lack of appetite the past few days o.O Only eating like a meal a day >.< and I have no idea why. I am just not very inclined to eat. weeeeiiiiirrrrdddd.






Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true...

Haha, so, yeah, randomly making clothes because I can. The bodice to go with my shirt I made is a bitch though. Decided to make it lace up the sides as well as the front... then I started making the loops for the laces. 8 loops each side, thats 48 that I have to sew by hand because they are too tiny to pin and do by machine. Crappinesssssss..... >.<

But I am much liking it anyways ^^. Pictures when I finish!!!!


Making soup tonight. Mushroom and barley! Yum yum. <3

I have been in such a lovey mood and there is no one around her to hug!!!! qwa. sadness. So, sending love out to all of you. You know who you are ^^

Gots to get going...

Quoth the raven "I'd rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion." Alright, so, it wasn't the raven, it was Thoreau but ^^ yeah.

So, yeah, Missa got screwed over. My dad was setting up this whole job where I would be working the last 4-5 days before school after I came back from vacation making like $150-200 a day. So I've been doing some work over the summer, but work is hard to get around here and I lack a car. Besides, I knew I had this job coming up... or at least thought I knew... So, instead, he decides to kill that contract and take up another one that I can't work on because it's a month long special project in missouri and I've got school. So, Missa may be rather broke this coming semester.. we will see


On a lighter note. My bag got a makeover. It is covered with all sorts of random pins that say very random things...for example Warning I am naked under my clothes. Haha. Yay ^^



Alrighty, off to get some tea and an I-pen. Take care and be careful of the next meal you are going to eat...it could be your last! ^^

aaahhhh.... record breaking heat, what fun. I wish it would snow. Haha. Buuuuut... oh well. Instead lets philosophize.


It occured to me that the set of rules we run on in this universe/reality are just as imporbable as any other set of rules. When everything came to be, it could have been anything, but this is what it is... interesting thought. If things had been a bit different 4+6 might have equalled cheeese or something of that equivalent. It is amazing the incredibly delicate balance of the universe... it is a wonder it does not fall apart every few minutes... haha, qwa, so...yeah,

philosophizing is so much more fun when you've got someone to philosophize with...where are my fellow philosophers????


oooOOOoo...kitty... I like my kitty. His name is Boboskirottintottin...Bobo for short, but I call him Barbosa! Yay for kitties ^^


Mer decisions...*runs and hides* I have to make some and it is hurting me brain. I don't want to mess up!!! Gah!!! *runs around in circles* this will never do... my indecisiveness is rather unbecoming. I already know what I will do, I think, but it is only in response to the fear or not knowing... and so I will go and take a risk merely for that nagging voice that tells me to always know when I can, even when everything else I might be wanting is at stake. So either I take the safer route and get what I want other than the knowledge of the path I didn't take... or I take a gamble and get all or nothing. Missa is far to likely too gamble it all away as she as done in the past. I cannot decide what is best even though I already know my decision! >.<


gah


what shall I do

:(

Ummmm
Decided to update...
Now I've no idea what to say? o.O


ummm...

brownies? meh.. brain is broken or something at the moment. Don't eat the spaghetti, it could be dangerous... ummm...I have rocks now, lots of pretty shiney ones. And TV stone just cause those are fun.

okay...yeah, yesterday. Major crisis, thankfully, averted. Moomer got stucked under the bathroom cupboard it was very sad. But thankfully he followed the trail of catfoos I made for him and came out because he likes fooooood!

You know what

I like food too.

Especially cheese! Cheese is good. Which reminds me... the is some brie in the fridge. Yumminess in a box! It will go good on a slice of marco polo bread. Andsome gouda for a salad today.

Going on out on a limnb Evanescence... hopefully it will not remind me so much of good times turned bad. *sigh* Such battles are waged between the head and heart. It's funny too because neither ever wins. Whtether reconcilliation comes is debateable but to win would be to lose.

Today I have decided to be all Buddhist, remind myself constantly to be in the moment. That means no wandering the halls of the past nor even looking to the future. I keep reminding myself to be here and now. That means no going away into my ficticious literalry ramblings or reading anything fiction oriented. I will try it for a day and see how it is. Lol. Missa spends so much time away in her ehad this will be quite a challenge if only for a day.


Humm, nothing else copmes to mind at the moment. Paper flowers. And stuff.

Take care...good luck...take luck and good care lol ^^

there are like 10 various notebooks/sketchbooks strewn across my bead at the moment for whatever reason. I decided to write a lot and sort through already written things and then i wanted to draw and I just never picked anything up. So now it is all a big pile of creativeness. Yay.. except for the fact that I have to sleep on the bed. Well, technically I don't have to sleep, nor do I have to necessarily sleep on my bed. But I suppose I would rather do both than not.

Humm de dummm

This is a rather strange day. I just wanted everyone, for the most part, to go away. Too hard to get things done, to really think, with everyone around me. Though i did finish a painting today. Only to have new ideas pop into my head. I am afraid I shall never get done all that I want done. Life demands that you do such trivial things as eat and sleep and other such nonsense. Pssh... silly biological needs...

And I have realized I am waaaay far behind in the books I wanted to have read by the end of the summer. Gah! Terribleness in a box or on a bookshelf or whatever. I cleaned my roooooom today. It didn't take very long considering it is a rather small room...

Hummm, this music is rather loud. I like it. ^^ teehee, yay for pink floyd!

Maded some clothes today...or worked on making clothes rather. Nothing absolutely finished but getting there. Just a couple shirts and then I pulled out all my fabrics and some of it is missing -.- I had the patter all laid out and everything...I dunno what happened to it... gah! And it was the one thing I really wanted to get done! figures... grrrrr... I shall find it!


ooooo, shinies

I must go to them...they are calling my name...teehee

Humm de dumm...yay for fireflies ^^ They are outside my window and it is a fun thing because, yeah, I like them mucho. Its both amusing and sad when you squish them, cause then their dead but they leave a little glowy smooshed spot where they got squished... not that I shall go around smooshing them as i like them much better alive than dead.

However... I like mosquitos better smooshed than alive... but they don't leave little glowy spots behind. Actually, some of them should certainly stay alive to feed all of the batses and the dragonflies.

I wonder if there really is anything that should all be smooshed and stay that way. I cannot think of anything at the moment.


My sister gave me some animal crackers the other day. i was mucho excited because I love animal crackers. Yum Yum... I wish i hadn't eaten them all because I am wanting some right now. Oh well... I shall have to settle for some tea. And this random clothespin sitting on my desk. Although I don't think I shall try to eat that...



Cannot stop thinking o.O

Mostly of how I miss people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! School needs to start in two weeks...that would give me enough time to earn extra cash working with me dad, and going on vacation. And then i would be able to be with everyone. Home is not a place you know...it is a state of mind.


Funny how we're all trying to get somewhere when there really isn't anyplace to go. There are no destinations in life, only paths and choices to take. I wonder how many people give up on their way to nowhere.



The woods are so nice when it gets dark. I don't know why it's so much better but it is.

Good night
Sleep tight
Don't let the llamas bite!

Well, yes... sufficiently random mood tonight. So much better than last night ^^. mmhmm... the rabid llamas are going to eat my brains and other fun stuffeth like that.
Don't underestimate the mentally insane...we know how to count!
omg... missa is sooooooo watching benny and joon tonight!


some freaky bug thing is outside the window clicking really loudly. I hope it does not eat one of the cats. That would be rather unfortunate.

Oooooo... hiked in grimes glen yesterday. The location where the worlds oldest fossilized tree was found like 100 years ago or so. Yeah. I loveth it there. You have not lived life until you have sat beneath a waterfall. ^^

WOW upside down is MOM. Steve now knows this as I have just pointed it out to him. It is one of lifes important lessons... I am convinced of it.





So, yeah, I have decided I've bad taste in men. lol... Rarely inclined to even pursue a relationship. But when I am it's cause i've fallen flat on my face. Yeah. And then from there I proceed to allow myself to get stepped on, walk on... yeah, fun. Haha. It is rather amusing at the moment. But i hate it. I hate the way I've treated myself and I hate the way I've allowed myself to be treated. Meh. C'est la vie, non? Lol. I resolve constantly to do better, not sure if I have yet or not. I think that maybe I am just a very silly person.

But silly people need hugs too! ^^



I hate to leave a journal entry on such a bad note whilst I am in such a happy mood. Sooooo. Hahah... A day without laughter is a day wasted. So... I demand of you who read this... laugh, or at least smile, and waste not another moment ^^




Ducunt volentum fata, nolentum trahunt!

The fates lead those who will and drag those who won't!

ShamelessShame: i like popsicles
ShamelessShame: and i like cheese
ShamelessShame: but i dont like cheese popsicles



>.<


Yeaaahhh....I never have weird conversations on aim...
nor am I ever sarcastic!

I swear!
^^


RAndomly updating this in the middle of the day for no reason at all... don't actually have anything to say. Except that rather unfortunate news has come up. I have issues with... fruit. I admit it... terrible thing. Talk to me personally if you want elaboration on the subject...heh.

Soooooo

Random lyrics/tab from a song that I am writing that is not quite finished!


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Went for a loooooooooooooooong hike yesterday. The woods were very quiet...it was unnerving. Did not know what to think! *legasp* Haha.

I saw this awesomness hat the other day. And I wanted it. But missa is cheap and is not like to buy things impuslively. Qwa. It was a mucho hat though...

Woootnesss, so mooching this from andrew!


1) Bold what is true about you.
2) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
3) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
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So, yeah, I apologize for all the little side comments but... hey, tis what i do ^^

Alrighty then, randomness mood tonight, so this entry may be rather rambling and, well, just plain randomness I s'pose. Soooooo, yeah, my plans for my Gene Wilder were suddenly crushed by the fact that the VCR is broken! Mer, sadness in a box! And I was sooooo looking forward to it too. So, instead, I started a new drawing...rather weird. It is of some supermodel pretty girls with their skins peeling off and monsters underneath. lol, haha, yay. Pretty girls aren't really so pretty...^^

I need more pop can tabs for a new belt... I want another belt. Especially cause I found this ribbon that is blue with green polka dots that would be awesomeness for it! Gah, mucho clothes to make/alter. A whole bag full! Squee, I love scissors. don't run with them though...very bad stuff there...

Duuuuuuuuude, me dad just got back from his big trip thing. He's got this girlfriend now that is a Katrina victim and so they were down in mississippi helping out before bringing her and her son back up here. So, they went to new Orleans and got me this coolie feathery mask thingie and I heart it just cause I like stuff like that. Perhaps mucho dramatic pictures are in order, or perhaps just mucho silly pictures. We shall see.

Yay for henna!!!



Randomness.... what do you see in the tea leaves?? I'll get back to you on what it means ^^





And that's all folks...